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If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
"Cool hash page"
December 2002

Hash 44 - Annual Jingle Bell Run

When: December 7, 2002

Where: Stockade, Schenectady, NY

Hare: Francis, Galloping Galumpkies


The hounds gathered together under a cloudless blue sky near the track at Second Chance Community College in beautiful, downtown Schenectady, New York. Astro Homo brought beer to share. Even though he had left it in the car overnight, we all enjoyed our slushy beers once we dug up a pen that we could use to break up the ice in the bottles. Fresh from the Burlington Drunken Pilgrim Hash, we did a round of Father Abraham, Burlington Style. Dirtbag was intent on teaching everyone the Burlington version of the "Who Said Head?" speech.

On Trail:

Our brave hares led us out of the parking lot, across Washington Avenue (THFKAD employed his trusty police grade whistle to stop oncoming traffic) and we found our thirsty selves at the first bar of the day!

To find it closed.

Daunting as this may be, and above the weeping and gnashing of teeth, our brave hares were undaunted. Their conversation, which quickly could have become bogged down and hopelessly mired in accusation ("I thought you'd called them!" "I thought you'd called them!"), was abandoned for the greater good of the pack, with no loss of face. We simply walked across the street to the second bar.

And found it open. This pleases us.

Having been advised that we couldn't (rather, shouldn't) sing in this bar, being a mostly Pop operation in which they made massive meat sandwiches, we elected instead that the Religious Advisor read a poem that celebrated the holiday spirit. We reprint this for you now.

De Ebonics Critmus Pome

Wuz de nite befo Critmus;
And all ower da hood;
ereybody wuz' sleepin';
Dey wuz sleepin' good.

We hunged up our stockings;
An hoped like de' heck;
That old Santa Clause;
Be bringin' our check.

All o'de fambily;
Wuz layin in de beds;
While Ripple and Thunderbird;
Danced through dey heads.

I passed out inna' flo;
Right nex to my Maw;
When I heard sech a fuss;
I thunk: "It mus be de law!!!"

I looked out thru de bars;
What covered my doe;
'spectin' de sheriff;
Wif a warrant fo sho.
And what did I see;
I said, "Lawd look at dat!!"
Ther' wuz a huge watermellon;
Pulled by giant warf rats!!

Now ober all de years;
Santa Clause, he be white;
But looks liken us bros;
Gets a black Sanna dis nite.

Faster dan a Po'lees car;
My home boy he came;
He whupped on dem warf rats; An' called dem by name!
On Leroy, on 'Lonzo ;
And on Willie Lee;
On Saphire, on Chenequa;
Dey wuz a site to see!!

As he landed dat watta' mellon;
Out der in da skreet;
I knowed it was fo' sho';
Da damn site I ebber did see.

He didn't go down no chimbley;
He picked da' lock on! my doe;
An' I sez to myself;
"Shit!! He done did dis befoe!!!"

He had dis big bag;
Full of prezents I 'xpect;
Wid Air Jordans and fake gold;
To wear roun' my neck.
But he left no good prezents;
Jus started stealing my shit;
Got my drugs, got my guns,
Even got my burglar's kit!!

Da next thang I knowed
Out da window he flewed;
I woudda' tried to catch him;
But he stoled my 'nife too!!
He jumped on dat wadda' mellon;
An' whipped out a switch;
He wuz gone in a seccon';
Dat son of a bitch!!

Next year I be hopin':
Anutha Sanna we git;
Cuz' diz here Sanna Clause;
Jus' ain't werf a shit!!!

From bar to bar we pranced and danced. We drank a lot. We learned how to sing "Chicago". We sang "Beastiality's Best". We sang the "Weekday Song" at the Saw Mill, a biker bar off Erie Boulevard. They have a bike hanging on the wall, that according to lore, is fired up every Valentine's Day, 11 years running. We made fast friends with Spike and he even joined us for the chorus of "De doop de doop de dooo." We figured out what everyone's boobs were, according to the Biker's Guide to Hooters (see Pictures). Noname Ester used some lame excuse ("I don't liiiike beer") to get top shelf drinks. We got really drunk. We terrorized children at Boulevard Bowl. We took our picture by the Christmas Tree in central square. We took our picture by a Police Car. We went shopping for adult toys and we couldn't get Noname Jan out of that store.


The circle was held in the last bar, Sports World. We had a 10 timer, Francis, who took his sweet time drinking his beer. Longest down-down since Noname Jan joined us. We had a namer - Noname John was named to "All Holes Hoping"


No FRB or DAL since this was a pub crawl. The HASH-IT was awarded to the hare, Francis, for not calling the first bar to make sure it was open.


Your Hash Scribe, The Hasher Formerly Known As Don (THFKAD)

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