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If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
"Cool hash page"
December 2002

Hash 111 - Erie Canal - Waterford, NY

When: August 27, 2005
Where: Erie Canal, Waterford, NY
Hares: Astro Homo, Kid Cock, Astro's Brother, All Holes Hoping (Food Hare/Galley Wench)
Scribe: Sperm Bank. Editing and clarity provided by McCavity and THFKAD

Hounds: Poptop, THFKAD, McCavity, Bodsa, Willy Wanker and the Fudge Factory, All Holes Hoping, Ditch Bitch, Sperm Bank, Stickley Bunz, Laurel and Hardly Running, Just Kirk, Just Dave, Just Brent, Just Doug, Just Jenny, Just Tabitha, Just Seth, Just Andy, and Just Nancy.

Nothing inspires your humble scribe like, well, actually nothing inspires your humble scribe, been there, done that. But he will take quill to paper to scribe the annual Astro Homo SHIGGAPALOOZA!

Once again, the unsuspecting hounds willingly showed up to be scraped, scratched, and soaked in Waterford. The trail was well-named the Lock 'Em Up Hash as the pack made their way to the Erie canal boat ramp past locks four, five, and six. Once there, they assembled for a cold Rheingold (Reingut?) on the bank of the Mohawk under a dazzling blue sky with temperature around 80 and low humidity.

As usual, Astro was saddling up with his usual assortment of hound torture tools tucked away in his dry bag. Astro assembled the hounds and went over the marks including a new one: Help Each Other. After announcing a turkey trail, Just Dave's whole damn family, Just Jenny, Just Seth, Just Andy and Just Tabitha decided to have a nice family walk in the shiggy.

With a hearty laugh, Astro threw his dry bag over his shoulder and leapt into the Eire Canal. This could not be good sign.

The pack watched Astro swim away across the canal. Then they looked left and noticed a perfectly good bridge over just a hundred yards up the trail. At this point we had some more beer, and finally circled up for "Hi, My Name is Joe." This was to be the only kid friendly song of the day.

All Holes Hoping and Bodsa decided to follow the hare, and swam across the canal while everyone else went for the bridge. Once across the canal, they found the turkey trail marks. Walkers cut left for turkey, runners cut right to find the eagle trail. The eagle trail immediately led into chest high weeds ending up at a swamp. The swamp had the remains of a dock and some hashers elected to cross the swamp on slimy 2x4's with rusty spikes sticking out that they narrowly averted impaling themselves on. Following Willy's lead, the other eagles breast stroked (or was that stroked breasts?) through the slime and came out dripping weeds like swamp monsters.

Running on, they came to the next obstacle when they had to descend to the Mohawk on the remains of the lock. Astro had marked "help each other" and the hashers descended the huge concrete steps, helping each other negotiate the last ten vertical feet to the river. Once there, it was coasting through the water until the pack went up the bank again, through the woods, and came out approximately 100 feet from where they had started the run.

On through the woods until the hashers descended through a vicious patch of saw grass to the bank of another green swamp. Astro was on the other side advising swimming the swamp rather then plodding through it, as the swamp was full of ankle breaking dead trees. Again, Willy was first in parting the green water and leaving a black wake of putrid ooze behind him. The pack successfully made their way across and onto the beer check where Astro had the traditional mini-keg of Warsteiners waiting which the hash drained without turning off the tap.

The second half of the trail proved to be even more challenging than the first. Astro led us once again to the banks of the Mohawk a mile above the famous Cohoes Falls. Except the falls weren't falling. Dammed up for years, the pack crossed the Mohawk with dry feet across a moonscape of old shale river bottom. Just as the trail looked to be coming up the other bank, it veered right and led the pack back downriver to cross the Mohawk again. By now, FRBs were Stickley Bunz and Ditch Bitch who plunged in and swam the quarter mile width of the Mohawk while the rest of the pack backtracked for shorter swims. Out of the water, still in the lead, SB2 and DB, joined by Stinky Queef heard Astro calling them - from the top of the bluff - and the intrepid trio free climbed up 40 feet of crumbling shale rockface.

Meanwhile, the rest of the pack passed the climbers to check out the head of the dry falls. Here they found ancient potholes on top of the falls which they used for impromptu hottubs. There were a few attempts to catch the crawfish living there, but they were too quick. Joining up with the walkers, including Swiss Family Doug, the entire pack reunited to climb up the cliff using the climbing rope Astro had dropped down.

With two-and-one-half hours and four miles done, the pack made their way our of the wilderness to hook up with vans for a ride back to the on-in.

Back at the boat landing, the pack took a refreshing dip in the canal as All Holes prepared to cater the on-in. As Stinky Queef poured cups of Reingut for down-downs, the hounds circled to make Astro and AAH drink for another sh*tty trail

Once again, Just Brent slipped away before circle. Poptop, Just Kirk and Just Dave also made their escapes - we have to stop circling near the cars! It was Poptop's 69th run, so he will drink for this next time.

Award Winners:

Hares: Astro Homo, All Holes Hoping (Galley Wench)
Incest: Astro Homo for snogging his brother (And when one hare drinks...)
FRB: Stickley Bunz (Ditch Bitch also drank for overachieving. When one soggy front running bitch drinks...)
DAL: Just Nancy (was also wearing Cranium Gear in circle, so Stinky Queef joined her)
Backsliders: Backsliders: Stinky Queef, Just Nancy, Just Doug, Laurel and Hardly Running (Bodsa drank as proxy)
Hashit: Was not given to McCavity for an utterly incomprehensible accusation, or to the hare, or to Just Jen for wearing Flip Flops on trail, or to AHH for being a prissy kitchen bitch. The Hashit was awarded to Just Doug for bringing children to the hash (and not sharing them) and for being shitfaced already.

25th Run: Willy Wanker
80th Run: McCavity

Virgins: Just Jenny, Just Seth, Just Andy, Just Tabitha. Instead fo the usual demtoring, the virgins sang us Doctor Dirty's "I Like Beer" song.

Backsliders: Stinky Queef, Just Doug

Circle included one naming.

Just Doug was not named "Hung like a Gerbil in a snowstorm", "Seamen Sampler", or "Submarine Ride." With his comment on trail that "There's no such thing as gay when you're underway," Just Doug will forever more be known in the hash as "Gay Underway"


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