Halve Mein Hash #504 – Hashtobeer 14th, 2015 - Saratoga Springs, NY
What: 504th Run
Where: Saratogoa Springs, NY
Who: Dirtbag, Willy Wanker, Moans Aloan, WhoDaFuq, Jizz Hands, Jizzney Gland, Hymen DickedOver, Sexhibitionist, DeciBelle, Tap Dat Ass, Penis Machinist, Super Flaggot, Seizeher Cooch
Hares: JizzKnee Gland / Jizz Hands
Why Hashing is done as a group……..because getting f&^%d in the woods by yourself in
the dark is just like masturbating – you get some exercise but are left with a less
than elated feeling afterwards. I was so traumatized that it has taken me more than
a week to recount (embellish) the details. An example of just such a trail follows.
I read the Hares instructions – your feet might get a little wet but if you stay on
trail you wont end up in waist deep water – OK, mental note, this is not the kind of
trail I want to bring my phone on.
I responsibly let a couple of pack members know I would be cumming late so please
mark the checks for me.
I showed up with a new cranium light about 20 minutes after the pack took off and
decided it was a fine night for a run. I followed good marks for a few blocks.
After some trail through woods and on a grand board walk path I ran forward right up
a big hill, at top of said hill I commented to myself (because I was the only one
there) “Self, what are the chances the actual trail really went up the big obvious
hill?” Answer – highly unlikely! I applauded the cunning hares and went back down
the hill to find trail had indeed turned on powder – bravo! You got me!
I could hear a dog barking in a near by neighborhood.
After some more running I found a check on a dirt path. A check that had been marked
by previous hashers…..on every single side! There looked to be a false in the
direction I had cum from – phew! The other sides of the check all had marks that
resembled a body limb being dragged in an arrow like motion. Cavemen used sticks to
draw in the dirt, apparently the pack was so thirsty and sober they couldn’t find
such an implement. I took the most clearly marked side. I found three marks then
nothing. I was also so thirsty and sober it took me a while to go back to the check
and look in a different direction. When I did I found trail and was back in
I could still hear that dog barking.
There was a mountain – taller than a small house - of chipped wood, than was fun
(really it was being on marks that was fun). I was feeling good, lost a little time
in the woods but I should catch the pack at beer check no problem!
This is the last nice thing I have to say about my night of solo hashing.
The marks led out onto a gravel path that looked down onto two small ponds with a
rip rap path between them. AHA! This must be what the Hares were talking about with
the feet wet thing! There was a check so I followed it to the right, no marks. OK,
trail must go down, nope, no marks. Huh, looked right again, looked down again.
Where the hell does trail go?? (Right now some brilliant reader is asking – did you
look left?) No, I did not look left and that is in fact the way trail went! While I
was down next to the pond I happened to shine my brand new cranium light up to the
left and Voila! There was a mark on a tree. I ran around the pond and up the hill
into the woods and was rewarded with another mark and another and nothing………….well
not nothing, really a wall of pricker bushes. I paced the wall for a few minutes,
stopped, listened, I could still hear the dog barking – I’m not that far from start
– should I turn back? Nah! I’m a hasher, I’m thirsty, I can do this. I bet this trail was great with a whole group
of people looking for marks.
Aha! There is a mark, squeeze through the bushy wall and the marks switch to toilet
paper – this is great! On trail again, running through a field of rag weed/ golden
rod, the foliage well trampled, beer near should be close right?
The foliage then switched to Joe Pye Weed that was as tall as I am. Flour, toilet
paper, pollen flying – hashing is fun! I told myself that if I just stopped and
thought about it, all of my delays could have been easily avoided if I just took the
time to think and I would have caught the pack by now. Time to start thinking
smarter! One mark, another, OK, I’m doing great now. Then……………NOTHING. No marks. Two
pine trees ahead. No trampled Joe Pye Weed, just me in the middle of a field of the
stuff. Think SMART. I walked in circles getting bigger each time but always cumming
back to last mark.
No more dog barking.
Go back or keep looking? Once more circle. Where is last mark? AAAAHHHH I lost last
mark. How far away am I? Will they find me if the pack cums looking for me? Should I
stay put or keep moving? It’s getting cold because I’m not running. UNBELEIVABLE!
Look here, a bunch of deer must bed down here regularly. I really hope I don’t spook
one and get knocked down by it!
That’s it! I am done with this trail. I’m going to pick a direction and walk in it.
What is that up on that ridge? A red light from the train tracks! I can get to the
train tracks and follow them back to the road near start. I feel good about my
decision; I don’t want to be out here all night.
50 feet into the field towards the light and……………flour, toilet paper, I’m back on
trail! This is INSANE!! Well, I’m back on trail, might as well stay on it, I might
find beer eventually. Across the tracks, into the woods, this looks like a great
place for beer, alas, it was just a place where the hares decided to hang the rest
of their toilet paper in the trees. AGAIN I search in every direction, AGAIN there
is no trail. I’m not messing around here any more. I see a street light through the
woods and head for it. Someone’s back yard – please don’t have a motion light or
loud dog, I am tired and don’t want to deal with anyone’s s*%t. Out onto the road,
which direction should I go? Right this time…………..what the f*(^k! Is that
flour!!????? You HAVE GOT to be kidding me! I am back on trail AGAIN!
I had resigned myself to being done but how can I walk away from trail if I am on?
Where is the beer on this damn trail? Why didn’t I bring my phone? What time is it?
Is circle over?
Just a few blocks away I found a cooler, the beer left was crap – of course! The
hares haven’t cum back for it yet – that’s a good sign!
Off I go and two blocks later I hit a main road, I am a mile from the start. I don’t
care where trail actually goes, I am going back to start. Then I hear screeching
tires and a car is flashing its lights at me. Dirt Bag has come to pick up the beer
check for the hares; he’s such a thoughtful guy. He shouted across four lanes of
traffic that I should get into his car, but I remember when I was a kid I was always
told not to take rides from old men – especially those wearing plaid skirts! At this
point I needed to warm up again, I want to run as opposed to wandering aimlessly in
the woods, I told him I was running the rest of the way and he went back to let the
pack know I was found.
As I crested the last hill and could see the fields where the pack was waiting
patiently I passed one of those speed alerts that tell you how fast your going
compared to the actual limit. When I got close enough the screen lit up! 39 in a 35!
I was flying!!!! I heard the pack cheering and calling my name. Piggy reportedly
said “That’s not Moan’s – its someone on a bike”
I arrived at circle to comments like “We were all thinking how much this trail would
have sucked running it alone” and “How cum you didn’t take your phone?”
The moral of the story? Hashing, like many other activities that involve drinking
and nakedness, is more fun with friends
If you have anything to add, send a note to firstname.lastname@example.org.